Jokes

It was only a matter of time before this thread appeared again...

Q: What do you get when you cross a virus with a mountain climber?
A: Nothing, of course. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.

i have absolutely no idea what either of those "jokes" are on about!!

there's at least 3 words in them that i never even knew existed.......!!

*sigh* I'll lower the tone a bit then...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

better?

why are pirates called pirates.....
cos they AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!

tis my favouritest favourite joke ever.

a lot better jonny. i wish he'd tell me where they all live......!!

iDOD wrote:

why are pirates called pirates.....
cos they AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!

tis my favouritest favourite joke ever.

you've just stolen that from my intra-mural post

Anyways...

Two elephants fall off a cliff...BOOM! BOOM!



A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*#@ing beak to the bar you irritating c*nt of a bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?


A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his y-fronts….
"What are you supposed to be?" asks the host.
"Premature ejaculation," replies the man…..
"I've just come in my pants."



A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.



A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"



There is a plane crash in the middle of the atlantic ocean.....
Just before the plane goes down a woman stands up and shouts to all,
"Is there anyone man enough to make me feel like a woman just one last time?"
The plane goes dead quiet for a few seconds, until a man at the back stands up, takes off his shirt, and says,
"Here you go love. Iron this!"



How do you turn a duck into a pop star?
Stick him in the microwave until his bill withers.


Two ducks on honeymoon about to get it on in their hotel. Male duck realises he has no condoms, so calls room service to bring one up. There's a knock on the door and the porter is standing there with a condom for the duck. The porter asks: "Shall I put it on your bill sir?" The duck replies: "What do you think I am, a f*cking pervert?"

maybe so, but it's one of my favourite jokes in the world...

a man walks into a bar with a giraffe, he orders a drink for himself and one for his odd pet...and continues to do so all night..
by last orders he stands up to leave, with the giraffe passed out on the floor drunk as a wilderbeast.
the barman goes 'oi...you can't leave that lyin' there'
the replies..'it's not a lion...it's a giraffe.

Whats red & orange and looks good on a snowboarder?









Fire

Dai...all this pent up rage against boarders...we know it's just your frustrations at you're own inability to do it building up...just let go...you're a prick with sticks...no one's going to judge you for it

also;
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubber jonnys?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

What do you call 100 nuns in a shop? Virgin Megastore.

What's the most dangerous insect? The hepatitis bee

How do you kill an entire circus? Go for the juggler

Why do woman have legs?....Well have you seen the mess snails make?

What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

What's the difference between love and herpes?
Love doesn't last forever.

Who's the world's greatest athlete?
The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1-------- I do physical labor.
2.------- I work at great depths.
3.------- I plunge head first into everything I do.
4.------- I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5.--------I work in a damp environment.
6. -------I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7.------- I work in high temperatures.
8. -------My work exposes me to diseases.

Reply: Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH
brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other
locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to
start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10.You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task.
11.And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the
workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Ian, I do believe that you have enough pent up rage against skiers for the whole squad! You see, what happens is, skiers can learn to board to a decent standard in a few short days, but getting exceptionally good takes time. However, learning to ski is a much more skilled art and takes many years to achieve decent standard and many more to perfect, because you need the coordination to control both feet and both arms at the same time! I can comment on this because I do, in fact, participate in both sports but tend to stick to skiing cos skiers go faster. When it comes down to it though, it really doesn't matter who is better because the love must be shared between both sides to show our dominance over everyone not privileged enough to come to Newcastle! Case Closed.
Also, Stu's jokes are better!!

ahahahaha told!
heheh you knows i love you skiers, it's all just banter.
I was talking about this with Andy the other day actually, and given the chance it would be fun to give skiing a proper crack...however i'm bad enough at boarding and need enough practise as it is! and yeah my jokes suck but ya know...

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man .

3 monks and a priest are at a chapel and the priest says "take this day and do whatever you want. God will forgive you for all the sins that you have commited at the end of the day."
At the end of the day, the monks come back. The priest asks the first "what did you do today" the monk says "I robbed a bank" the priest says "ok, drink from the holy water and god will forgive you" The priest asks the second the same thing and he says "I vandalized a childrens playground" the priest says "drink from the holy water and god will forgive you." Then the priest asks the third "what did you today" and the monk replies says "I pissed in the holy water"